Smarter Than the Average Homosapien

Here’s a rather interesting excerpt from my journal from my later college years. It was a very miserable time in my life, and yet, many of these insights still ring true for me…

I may be smarter than the average homosapien, but I don’t consider myself one with big ideas or especially rare insights into the mysteries of existence. I consider myself a product of my experience, a wealth of unfortunate circumstances, and a multitude of missteps and unfortunate impulsive blunders. Often I’ve found myself a bit of a loner, with the exception of my immediate family members and a handful of good, close acquaintances. I find myself a wanderer through daily human experience with little more than my wits and relatively limited insights to guide me.

It has been told to me that I’m rather remarkable, extraordinary in some ways. I don’t necessarily agree with any sort of extraordinary label being placed on me. Still, I must humbly admit that I can be remarkable, but not in the positive aspects. I can be remarkably clumsy, impulsive, quirky, eccentric, and obsessive-compulsive. I suppose some of combination of these qualities can make me endearing to some, but I find these qualities very unattractive in myself. Yet, I find them ironically attractive in others…

Most of all, I despise talking about myself. I gladly impart experiences, but describing anything noteworthy about myself is never much fun for me, and I struggle with it immensely on several levels. These days I have rather low self-esteem, and yet, I was so naive and self-centered as a child, living in a neurotic imaginary non-sensical world that had no connection really whatsoever to reality. I’m still a bit spacey nowadays, perhaps quite a bit too self-conscious, and all too often inexplicably bitter. Hope to get me on a good day, though, so you may not mind me too much.

You may come to adore my practiced enthusiasm, but that’s all it is. Everything is a terrible joke to me, with senseless punchlines all too frequent. I find our society widely ignorant and too easily swayed by illogical banter of the media circus that pervades and often invades our lives so negatively. I’m not too much of an optimist, but I’m not a pessimist, either. I’m a practiced realist, and yet I attempt to remain mostly hopeful about tomorrow. Eventually, I’m sure I’ll find a useful place in the middle of this mess we call “the days of our lives…”

~ Amelia Desertsong, September 19, 2008 (edited substantially)