For several weeks, I’ve been posting filtered pictures of myself. But, in reality, they aren’t that filtered. That is the person God intended me to be. But, it took 22 years of seemingly endless trials and errors to realize it. So, yes, that really is me.
I’m just sick and need the correct help that no one has made easily available to me. So, my self-love therapy is not for vanity. Neither is Hormone Replacement Therapy. It is purely medication. Still, there are some very important reasons I need the treatment so desperately.
- Overactive sweating: I have to shower at least twice daily to feel clean. For a long time, I simply stunk and never left the house. HRT will greatly slow down my sweat glands and make me feel a lot cleaner. I also suffer from terrible dry mouth, so I have to drink so much water that I piss like a racehorse. Ugh.
- Hair falling out: As a femme queer, I have always wanted at least shoulder-length hair, but my overabundance of testosterone makes it fall out after a certain length. So, I was forced to keep my hair boy short. It’s part of my self-identity problem. That’s why I need the wigs. HRT will stop my hair from doing that, so that I can grow it properly.
- Gender dysphoria: This is the major reason I need the HRT. I have always felt extremely female. I’m missing my gorgeous breasts (they should be size 36D). Also, I can’t STAND the facial hair that never stops growing. I like beards on men, but not on Amelia. The psychological damage to my self-confidence has held me back for the best years of my life so far.
- Raise my voice: While I adore my nonbinary voice, it’s simply not quite feminine enough for the public at large. To be an effective dream caster and pastor, I need a slightly higher pitch voice. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to serve my Lord’s Will.
- Hyperactivity and lack of focus: I do have autism, ADHD< and Tourette’s. But, my hormone imbalance makes them worse. I simply lose complete focus for entire days at a time. That’s why I can’t work a regular job. Other days, I’m too focused and I ignore basic needs. The HRT will set that straight.
- Looking like a gorgeous woman: In my mind, I’ve ALWAYS looked like the girl in the Phoenix Desertsong photos. Unfortunately, due to my overabundance of male hormones, I continue to look extremely male. But, it’s not for vanity. It’s just to have the face that I know God intended me to have.
There are other benefits as well. But, I will always be the femme nonbinary queer I was born as… I’ll just be tons more womanly and bitchy. I’m totally fine with that, especially if it serves the Lord and my Brothers and Sisters! Yes, it’s going to be extremely painful at the beginning, and there’s no way back, but after my 33 years as a male, I don’t care.
I’m never getting any Gender Reassignment Surgery, even if it means I can’t change my birth gender on my birth certificate. I’m The Phoenix Desertsong by ordainment of God, anyway. So, I’m fine with it. Just don’t call me Mister. I am Zie/Zir, I am She/Her. I am Amelia Grace Phoenix Desertsong, and my Lord is Jesus Christ!
~ Amelia <3