For many years, the darkness truly was my best friend. In the light, I was often judged unfairly. But, in the late hours obscured by darkness, I felt much more free. With many sleepless nights powered on little more than junk food, I made the most of my insomnia. I used this time to figure out who I really was and who I could be if given the chance.
I often read about how the most successful people rarely even sleep. I figure it’s much for the same reason I couldn’t get rest most nights during my adolescent years and young adulthood: my mind never stopped going, even when I desperately wanted it to. Most of my serious writing was done in the dark, the things that really mattered.
In the darkness, I found cover to hone my creative skills, to better understand my limitations and how many of them were self-imposed. I was years in the making crafting the self image that you see me beginning to realize just now.
For me, the darkness became like my cocoon. While I feel as if I’ve emerged more of a drab yet functional moth than a stunning and colorful butterfly, perhaps I’m more akin to an ugly duckling destined to morph into a lovely swan.
It’s possible that I could yet become exactly what I intended, yet never see it for myself through my distorted self-perspective. It doesn’t help that I’ve been plagued by years of self-doubt and tormented by decades of slander and verbal & emotional abuse from people I thought had my best interests in mind. Still, the darkness always gave me an opportunity to patch myself up, however sloppy those patches may have been.
There are many internal scars that continue to be sore spots for me. These were cut so deep due to moments from my past that could have taken me from this world that I can’t get out of my head some days. Yet, the darkness gave me just enough cover to learn how and train me to fight another day.
Thank you, darkness, my old friend. Perhaps now I can finally learn to live in the light. Thanks to meeting the love of my life, that is now truly possible.
~ Amelia <3