Restlessness and fatigue are not good companions with one another. Together, they cause all sorts of mischief, a dangerous pair that significantly affects my well-being. As someone who deals with chronic fatigue syndrome already, restlessness is the worst thing I can have. If I’ve just had a particularly unproductive day, I find myself with my brain spinning. When my body needs sleep the most, this is when my brain decides, all of a sudden, to be most active.
I limit caffeine to pretty much the morning and early afternoon now, including black tea. I probably shouldn’t watch videos on my phone as much as I do, but I can’t read at night anymore. I did when I was much younger, but nowadays, if I try to read before bed, I read the same paragraph a dozen times and put down the book in frustration. If I don’t have some sort of backlight, I can’t focus, which is why I only read early in the day.
So, the common advice doesn’t work for me. Even if I ban myself from using the phone after dark, I find my restlessness only gets worse. Some nights, I keep waking up with ideas for what I should be doing that minute instead of laying there. I often get up at after midnight and go and do writing work or card-related activities for a bit just to wear myself out.
But, while this deals with the restlessness aspect, it exacerbates the fatigue side of things. Some days I wake up so drained, actually moreso on the days I force myself to stay in bed, that I simply can’t function. There are days where all I’ll get done is a handful of pages for reading, maybe photograph or list a few cards, play a game of MLB the Show and just crap out watching random YouTube videos the rest of the the day. This is getting infuriating.
Also, because I’m allergic to seemingly every food additive under the sun, if I accidentally have an allergic reaction, that basically wipes out the whole next day from being overly productive. It takes me two full days to recover from a bad allergy. Sometimes, we never quite figure out what caused it! I’ve had to cut anything with most artificial colors, soy, dairy, or beef by-products. The fact I’ve had to reduce my available meals and snacks by ninety percent over the past three years, simply out of process of elimination to prevent further attacks, makes me even more fatigued simply because I don’t eat enough!
So, over the past couple of years, I find about half of my days are compromised by a continuous state of restlessness. It prevents my body and mind from achieving the deep, restorative sleep I need to rejuvenate. Then, my fatigue further impairs my cognitive functions such as memory, attention, and decision-making. I can’t even remember basic words sometimes and I have entire days where I suffer endless choice paralysis.
When coupled with restlessness, which keeps my mind constantly active and anxious, my fatigue makes it even harder to focus or think clearly. This combination drastically hinders my productivity and the ability to perform daily tasks pretty much at all. I’m well aware that prolonged fatigue and restlessness can weaken my immune system, making me more susceptible to illnesses.
Fortunately, I don’t actually suffer chronic sleep deprivation, as I’ll occasionally just pass out when my body just gives out. But, I lose two or three days a week to this. At this point, if I don’t take a mindful day or two off every single week, I put myself at greater risk for serious health issues. Recently, this means I’ve had to almost cut out my daily morning writing, unless I have something extremely important to say. I have to limit my movements wherever possible, not allow myself to get excitable about anything, and try to eke out some productivity whenever I have a good day. Then, of course, I overdo it and repeat the cycle.
The constant battle between my restlessness and fatigue contribute to mood swings, irritability, and emotional instability. Constantly feeling tired leads to feelings of frustration and helplessness, while restlessness fuels anxiety and stress. Together, they create a negative emotional spiral that’s hard to break.
The worst part is, sometimes I don’t feel tired, but the energy simply isn’t there to do the task at hand. So, when I try to do something, and I simply can’t even get started, I disappear for hours at a time, sometimes even the whole rest of the day. This isn’t fair to Tom at all, who immediately assumes she did something wrong, which is never the case.
Lately, I’ve experienced such a reduced quality of life that I realized something has to change. My inability to rest and recharge properly affects every aspect of my daily living, from personal health and mental well-being. Breaking this cycle is crucial for restoring balance and improving overall life satisfaction. But no bedtime routine or consistent sleep schedule seems to help. I’ve already done everything I can to eliminate stress and anxiety by streamlining every single aspect of my life that’s possible. What can I do?
Unfortunately, my answer has been to stop doing my writer’s notebooks entirely. I allow myself to take copious notes during strictly limited reading sessions, with the goal of finishing one book per week. I now am reading through my archives, editing old essays here and there. To keep my websites from going entirely inactive, I now have to recycle older posts that haven’t gotten much attention previously and tweak them a bit to try and improve them. All my book projects have been cancelled.
The only “productive” thing I do now is photograph and list cards on eBay and my new other portal Buy Sports Cards. I’ll also scout eBay and ComC for cheap cards I can either flip or hold for some long-term investments. I feel like this is kind of a waste of my skills. But I enjoy cards, and realize now I should’ve done card flipping for a living rather than waste my time trying to make a living with SEO and digital marketing.
I’ve been talking about ramping things up with cards for awhile. Since I’m not publishing any more books—I’ll be creating some essay and possibly short stories collections but that’s all—I need a daily task to motivate me to even get out of bed. But, I also need to be controlled with my inventory and extremely picky with my buying. I’ve made a lot of poor buys over the past couple of years—many lots I purchase end up ninety percent in the trash.
So, I’m now creating a streamlined approach where I don’t waste any money at all. Meanwhile, I can still collect cards I like—Boston sports players with significant careers and other players on the cusp of the hall of fame—and sell enough to actually pay for and even profit from my hobby.
I’m not giving up writing. It’s just that I can’t keep up daily creativity without putting massive stress on myself. The fact that I even wrote over a thousand words on this topic proves that I can still write when I feel the absolute need. Fortunately, now that I’m going to be relying on book notes for much of my future website content, I can still share good ideas without having to stress about: what am I writing today? I need to stay grounded, be the best wife I can be to Tom, and still live a fairly productive intellectual and fulfilling life.
Also, happy first day of summer.
~ Amelia Desertsong, June 20, 2024
