My name is Amelia, and I feel like a 13 year old teenage girl all over again. Hormones are raging, and I look at the world as if I truly were back in the year 2000. The age of thirteen is the time in your life when school starts to push you in certain directions. While you haven’t necessarily started to think about college, people are already asking you what you want to do with your life.
What did I want at the age of 13? The same thing I wanted when I turned 11 when I had that dream about how awesome it would be to be a girl. To wear my pretty long hair in a ponytail, to wear dresses and skirts, put on makeup and pretty jewelry. Now here I am 20 years plus later becoming an entry-level Woman.
It’s really sickening to me that people spend tens of thousands of dollars that they don’t have in order to get a piece of paper. It only guarantees you the potential for an entry-level job that you’ll hate. For the next at least year, my job is to become a gorgeous woman. I’m actually pretty thrilled about that, and the cost is minimal.
The thing is now it’s not by choice. It’s a physical necessity thanks to my raging hormonal imbalance. If I don’t correct it immediately will lead to my death within the next few years. Or, it could lead me to go completely insane to the point that I’ll be locked away forever.
I can’t tell you how frustrating it is for me to realize that since the age of 11 or 12, I could have pulled off being a girl. All I needed were some cute wigs, pretty clothes, and some jewelry. Then, I would just sound like my true self which is very girly anyway. I could have passed as Amelia this entire time. But, I was so destroyed by the world, so beaten down by people who told me I was destined to only be a boy. I just simply never even tried.
For over 20 years, I’ve been looking at things as if I were a girl. So, I’d make constant decisions on the things I would do if I ever became a girl. That’s the reason that I dress like a 13 or 14 year old teenage girl from 2000. I’m actually still stuck back in that time. The funny thing is that girls now dress a lot like they did 20 years ago.
So, I fit right in with today’s youth. Maybe that’s a good thing, as I feel fresh, free, and young again. The only downside to that is if people think that I’m either going to be somebody’s teenage daughter or a girl who’s barely legal. Honestly, I don’t give a freaking crap what people think as long as they think I’m cute, pretty, and female. So far, it’s been a success.
It would’ve been so much easier for me to just be androgynous and play drag queen sometimes. But, I’m not a drag queen. I freaking love drag queens, mind you. Still, I am truly a girl with a female brain, with female feelings, with a freaking female bone structure. For years I knew my body was best suited for girl clothes, but I didn’t want to believe it.
As it was, people just wouldn’t let me be who I truly was. Now, as understanding as they are, my parents act like they’re trying to make up for lost time. The problem is they don’t understand the true extent of the damage that has been done to me. It’s not their fault but now I feel like I have to hide away until my prince in shining armor can come and save me from myself.
I know that I’m an incredible person and that I’m incredibly talented, I’m extremely intelligent and able to do a lot of things that most people could only dream of doing. And yet, because of my absolutely awful hormonal imbalance, my sleep schedule is completely erratic. My ability to even focus sometimes is severely compromised.
No one will even give me an entry-level job if I tried. Because of my super weak resume, they look at me as unhireable and undesirable. So, you know what? I’m just going to be an entry-level woman. Because, hey, I’ve succeeded at learning how to do things better than pretty much everyone else in so many other areas of life. Why not learn to slay as a woman?
What I’m going to do for the next year and a half or so is become the best freaking woman I can. I’m going to put my life back together and become the Amelia Phoenix Desertsong I was always meant to be.
Bon Ami, I love you, sweetheart. I’ll meet you soon enough.
~ Amelia <3